5 Times the "Good Guys" Were Complete Jerks

5 Times the "Good Guys" Were Complete Jerks

We naturally want the good guys to win, well, except in the Marvel Universe after watching Captain America: Civil War. I definitely want Thanos to punch his way through plot holes and superheroes alike at this point. (Just leave Chris Pratt alone, and we’re cool).

Usually, story revolves around the good guys and gals making hard choices to rescue, save, be there, triumph over something, somehow, in the end.

Every once in awhile, after watching something a million times, I begin to realize these beloved characters and voices of reason in my favorite TV shows and movies, have some huge jerk moments. Suddenly, they are self-centered and completely lacking empathy. So much so that you have to wonder, maybe they are just assholes, and I never noticed.

For example…

5. Ellie Sattler and Robert Muldoon — Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park

Here are two characters that are the voices of reason and caution in a park filled with blood sucking lawyers…I mean dinosaurs. The entire plot, and every theme, pretty much boils down to “we tried to play God, and apparently dinosaurs are dangerous.” Both characters are there to say something about those two things.

Ellie is a paleobotanist, and she uses her expertise to recognize that some of the plant life on the island is actually poisonous, even if they look good. It makes her worry that the scientists here are just trying to make an incredible brand, ignoring the safety and moral concerns on the way. (But there isn’t a single corporation that has ever done this, so, I don’t know why she’s concerned.)

Muldoon is a big game hunter, and he’s ready to blast every clever girl on the island back to the Cretaceous Period. (Phrasing). He too sees this as an extremely dangerous situation that could go very wrong, very quick. Sure, he’s a little blunt in the process, but he puts his life on the line to keep these guests, that he only met a couple of hours ago, safe.

The Big Jerk Moment:

Spoiler alert: the dinosaurs get out and start eating every human they can find. Especially lawyers in upsetting shorts.

Ellie and Muldoon (speaking of upsetting shorts) take a jeep out to collect the survivors of the cliff defying T-Rex rampage. Those survivors include Allen Grant, Ellie’s boyfriend and, since they are talking about kids, probably future husband…ignoring everything that happens in the third movie. The survivors also include two kids and Jeff Goldblum’s chest.

Ellie and Muldoon come across the shattered pieces of the randomly placed bathroom, where the lawyer was mostly eaten, and find his few chewed up remains.

Muldoon’s reaction: “I think this was Gennaro.” (In the most inconvenienced voice possible).

Ellie’s reaction: “Yuck.”

Okay, she says “I think this was too,” but essentially, she has the same level of emotion as going through the uh..dino…droppings, droppings.

A ripped up human…yuck. Yuck! Seriously? That’s your reaction? It shouldn’t matter who it is, chunks of a human are probably a horrible sight, and I’m taking a very educated guess. (I worked at a mortuary once, long story).

Also, the way the T-Rex ripped through that lawyer didn’t leave a whole lot left to identify him.

Jurassic Park toilet
“Better set him back down carefully so they can see who I ate”

If the goat leg is any indicator, there are some pretty small, gnarly chunks everywhere. So how are they sure it’s Gennaro from one quick glance? It could be Grant for Christ’s sake. Or, you know, the two kids. Yuck! God, what an inconvenience to come across these raw children tenders.

There should be a little more trauma.

At least Ellie seems pretty traumatized by the time she is awkwardly running to be with Grant again. Muldoon is a hunter, so maybe he’s more grizzled. But human chunks, guys. Come on! Maybe they are just emotionless jerks?

Too bad Muldoon didn’t get to blow up a raptor, like in the book. That would explain his love for chunks of flesh.

4. Michael Bluth — Arrested Development

Michael Bluth

Him? Yes, Michael Bluth, the one person in the Bluth family that isn’t completely self-absorbed and manipulative. He desperately tries to keep his family together (the intro song says so) and the family business running.

He takes it upon himself to put in long hours at the office (even one Saturday, the horror!), clean up the mess of his parents and siblings, and do the actual work their lawyer is supposed to be doing, all while raising his son to not become just like the rest of his family.

Pretty great guy, right?

The Big Jerk Moment:

Every time he interacts with his son, Micheal lies to him or ignores him.

He tries to raise his son right, but he’s super harsh about George-Michael’s grades, tries to force him into a weird school, constantly skirts around the truth, makes a judgement on his son’s girlfriend before getting to know her, and is so intimidating to his son, that George-Michael decides burning down the banana stand is a better option than going to his father about his mistakes.

If the show was completely from George-Michael’s point of view, it would probably be horribly depres…holy crap that’s what the fourth season tried to do! I just figured that out. Well, there’s your problem.

Anyway, in his quest to raise a better person in a crazy family, Michael actually just shoe-horns in quality time with his son every time the purposefully over the top sincerity music starts to play. It takes three seasons to finally address the whole cousin-crush thing, and Michael give’s some really good advice to his son. Too bad it’s after three seasons of basically ignoring him. This whole thing could have been dealt with if he just listened to George-Michael for two seconds.

Plus, Michael is in season four, just like the rest of them. That’s enough of a jerk move right there.

3. Luke Skywalker — Star Wars

 

Luke Skywalker

This is the quintessential hero right here. He has amazing pig choking mind powers and wields a sword made out of lightning and pure nerdgasm fuel. He flies around in the most badass space fighter and has an even more badass dad.

He has to overcome the darkness in the Skywalker lineage, learn these nearly forgotten Force powers, save his friends, and overthrow an empire that loves blowing up entire planets. (I think this was Alderaan…yuck).

“Chris,” you’re saying, “stop being a dick. Luke is almost too goodie-goodie. Sure, he kisses his sister, but they didn’t know!”

Well…

The Big Jerk Moment

Luke glosses over the death of those who raised him…and his wise mentor…and his childhood friend…and his brother in arms, Dak…and Yoda…and the whole godforsaken rebel fleet!

Luke is an emotional nightmare, and as long as he gets to do something cool, he couldn’t care less about who dies along the way.

His uncle and aunt raised him since he was a baby. They are essentially his mom and dad. All those memories and moments they must have shared. His uncle seems a little harsh, but it’s hard making a living out there in the desert farming for…water? Not the best investment, but still. His aunt was definitely the cool one, and probably let him sneak out late to get those power converters.

Luke sees his uncle and aunt still smoking from their charred bodies after losing the slowest droid in the galaxy. I hated seeing this horrible scene as a kid, but he just looks on, kind of tilts his head and…realizes he now gets to go on this super kick-ass adventure! No strings attached! Not a single tear shed.

Then he discovers his childhood friend is fighting alongside him in his first flight with the Rebel Alliance. His friend gets toasted in the Death Star trenches and Luke…flies home to party like no one made the ultimate sacrifice, giving him time to use a cheat code to hit the reactor.

Then his snow speeder co-pilot is eager to fight the Empire but gets fried because Luke thinks heading directly at the front of AT-AT’s, (that can only shoot from the front), is a great military strategy.

He stops everything with Yoda to go save his friends because he assumes they can’t escape without him. He charges in and…gets lit by Darth Vader, who then proceeds to tell him that he banged his mom. All Luke does is almost get his friends shot down because Leia had to come back for his one-handed ass.

Darth Vader
Vader’s best pick-up line

The most he does to grieve is slightly pout about Obi-Wan, before having a blast shooting down Tie Fighters.

Whatever grieving he goes through is immediately interrupted by him having fun.

And then there’s the ultimate pout when Kylo Ren ruins Luke’s new school of Jedi. Instead of trying to fix his mistakes, and help prevent a new Empire from rising from the ashes of the one so many sacrificed themselves to get rid of, he runs off to an island and tells no one.

Good job only other known Force-user besides the one terrorizing the galaxy.

2. Jim and Pam — The Office

Jim and Pam Office

Oh, Jim and Pam. They go together like…well, they literally make a PB&J joke on the show. They are the incredible people in the office that are just as beautiful on the inside as the out. Every issue that comes their way they handle perfectly and the romantic gestures never stop.

Without them, the office probably wouldn’t have been a very special place, and the show ends with them finally leaving to pursue other things in their life. Those that are left look on to a bleak future.

Jim and Pam can never do anything wrong, ever.

The Big Jerk Moment:

Two words: “Timothy Olyphant”…I mean “Danny Cordray.”

Timothy Olyphant Danny Cordray
Here to ruin your Jim and Pam experience

It was a delicate time for the show. Steve Carell was only going to be around for a few more episodes and there needed to be something to drive plot. It had been a long time since there was any tension between Jim and Pam, and so, step in the old flame.

Danny was someone Pam went on a couple of dates with before dating Jim, and then it “fizzled.” At first, you think that Jim is going to be the overly jealous one as he worries about who did the fizzling. Always an important question. Then it becomes something Pam obsesses over, and both must know why Danny stopped calling Pam.

The point, I think, is to make it seem like Danny is an idiot for not calling Pam back, but actually, the episode showcases the immature side of Jim and Pam.

Danny, as it turns out, is a super nice dude. Also, are Jim and Pam adults? Pam even calms Jim down when he gets jealous with some sass, “You do realize I have a kid with you, right?” Chuckle chuckle. Then, suddenly, she can’t let go that Danny stopped calling her years ago.

The couple presses him over and over, mercilessly not dropping the issue. He gives some great answers too, including that, while they were on a date, she couldn’t stop talking about Jim. Jim is reminded of Pam’s love for him, and Pam is reminded that it doesn’t matter if that was the truth or not because here I am with Jim, after all of this. Aww…so fucking drop it!

But they keep pressing!

Give the guy a break! That’s dating. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out. It’s not like it went on for months and months, he met her parents, proposed, then he dipped out without a word. People are different and, yes, even the wonderful Pam isn’t everyone’s type.

Sure, Danny could have addressed it at the time, it would have been the right thing to do, but that was a long time ago at this point. Who’re the immature ones now? What sucks is they do talk about it like adults at first, and it would have been over with if Jim and Pam had let it go.

No one wants to admit the real reasons those first couple of dates sometimes don’t go well, so you just move on. She was too dorky, he smelled, she kept locks of hair of every lover she ever had, he steals those locks of hair and makes wigs, the list can go on and on. Be an adult, move on. They didn’t call back because they don’t want to see you anymore, the reason doesn’t matter.

And, like you said Pam, you are married and have a kid with the love of your life, not everyone has to be in love with you. Isn’t the whole damn country’s heart for nine seasons enough!?

1. Indiana Jones — Raiders of the Lost Ark

Indiana Jones

Indiana Jones is the ultimate man’s man. He saves precious pieces of history while literally punching Nazi’s in the face. He is an educator, adventurer, snake hater, and all around badass. He does the right things at the right time, and he’s even able to let go of his obsession to bring the Ark home so he can save the girl.

He does this all while being Harrison Ford. Damn, the best possible pitch for a kick-ass protagonist. And it was almost Tom Selleck, if that showcases the level of manliness needed for this role.

The Big Jerk Moment:

Right from the beginning, Indy proves he’s looking out for himself and no one else. The escape plane, waiting in the river at the end of, perhaps, the most exciting opening sequence of any movie ever, has only one seat beside the pilot’s. There are three people on this little archaeology adventure at the start, also not including the pilot. Do the math.

So, let’s address the biggest critique of this jerk move right away. The two other hired hands that are traveling with Indy betray him, so they don’t deserve seats anyway. Well, to be betrayed, you had to trust someone at least a little bit. Indy didn’t know for sure they would do that to him. Sure, he’s on high alert, but he can’t know, without a doubt, that they will screw him over.

What if they had helped him every step of the way, and listened carefully to his instructions to see the whole thing through? It would have been super awkward getting to the plane that only has one seat available. And even that is reserved for a python.

(Also, can we take a random moment and appreciate that one of the betrayers tries to shoot Indy before they even reach the cave of overly complex traps? Not the smartest move in the world.)

Anyway, at best, Indy must assume they would betray him, or would be too stupid to survive, or he was going to betray them the whole time. Maybe there was some relief when they tried to take things for themselves? Phew, that worked out nicely.

Okay, so they came in on donkeys? Or at least had one for supplies. So maybe the hired hands would have trekked back to wherever the closest point of civilization was, on foot. Which means, Indy arranged for a plane to conveniently pick him up within sprinting distance of this archaeological site, while the other two had to hoof it in hyper-violent native tribe territory. Nice.

Indiana Jones Savage
Savage

Why did he need the help at all? Couldn’t he have just flown there in the first place? It was a pleasant morning walking distance to the cave from the river. You could just take a water bottle and a granola bar, and you’d be good.

God, I better stop this before I ruin this movie completely for myself.

So, sometimes the good guys/gals aren’t so great after all. Maybe next time I’ll focus on kids movies or something, and kill dreams before they have a chance to start.

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